I don't think I have ever had a longer or more miserable week in my life, and yet even now I am sitting here with a stupid grin on my face, because I know that it is all worth it. The doctor told me that I am having a problem that not enough protein is entering my blood and so all of my muscles, bones, and organs (and apparently my immune system) were/are not working at full capacity. That is why I am so sick and weak, and why every single bone and muscle in my body hurts, and why my knee is bothering me so much that I can hardly walk, and my tongue and brain just won't produce or understand Portuguese. But I find myself sitting here perfectly happy and at peace knowing that Heavenly Father loves, my Savior understands me, and the Spirit fills me. I am being careful with my body and I am perfectly worthy of any blessing the Lord sees fit to bless me with, even if it's a trial. So in fact, a large part of me is very happy to be suffering so much because it means that the Lord trusts me to overcome them if I will but turn to Him, and turn to Him I continue to do.
I read in a BYU Devotional from last year that living with gratitude in our hearts brings joy. Joy does not bring gratitude. And so, out of desperation one night when I couldn't sleep and I was feeling very uncomfortable, I started a gratitude list. Here are a few entries:
- My family that unconditionally loves me and supports me in my righteousness and loves me through my difficulties.- For good music that heals my soul when it aches and longs for peace or understanding.
- Beds, because sleeping on the floor is awful.
- The times when I feel a cool sensation surge through my body which I know is the Spirit and allows me to feel close to my Savior for a brief moment.
- Heavenly Father and the Savior's love that sometimes fills my soul to the point where it feels like my heart will burst.
- Prayer that is honestly and truly an opportunity to speak with a God, but more than just that also a loving Father, and tell Him my pains, my joys, my strengths, my weaknesses, and any desires and He doesn't just listen, He also will always help in the way that is absolutely best for me.
- Food that tastes good, fills the belly, warms the heart, and heals the soul.
These are just a few. I have nearly a hundred like this just from a few days of conscious thinking about it. I feel like my heart is changing and gratitude is becoming a part of me.
I don't know how, when, or if the Savior will heal me, but I can tell you beyond the shadow of a doubt that the Savior is with me every step and He is guiding my path.